Is Premarital Counseling or Education for You? *
The
short answer is a resounding YES. Getting married without pre-marriage
prep is like starting a business or any important venture without
preparing. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and only half of those
that endure are truly happy in the long run. Many happy engaged couples
assume that they won't be contributing to these statistics. But, if you
just wing it and count on your luck to make your marriage a success,
your odds are only one in four. There is another way.
Most
couples just don't realize that good, skill-based pre-marriage
counseling or classes can reduce the risk of divorce by up to thirty
percent and lead to a significantly happier marriage, according to
marriage research. It can also reduce the stress of the pre-wedding
period. Just a little effort now can make your odds a whole lot better
over the long run. You want to do everything you can to ensure that your
dreams of a great marriage and a great life are realized.
Pre-marriage
preparation is based on the reality that it's important to strengthen
your relationship and prepare constructively for future challenges and
conflicts that everyone will inevitably face at some point in their
marriage, now while you have so much fresh positive energy in your
relationship.
Don't stick your head in the sand. The research shows that
there is a window of opportunity during the year before the wedding and
the six months or so after when couples get the optimum benefit from
marriage preparation. Later, under stress, negative habits and
relationship patterns may become established and be much harder to
resolve.
Couples now face more demands and have fewer supports
than ever before. The typical complex marriage - managing two careers
while rearing children - really requires that couples have very strong,
well-established abilities to communicate, resolve issues, maintain
mutuality and set goals. Without this foundation, it's easy to feel
overwhelmed by stress and time pressures. Problems can intrude much more
easily than most couples realize.
As much as it's important to come to
terms with unrealistically positive expectations, those who grew up with
divorced or unhappily married parents may find that they have
unacknowledged and unexplored expectations that their marriage, too, may
become unhappy. Marriage preparation functions as an immunization that
boosts your capacity to handle potential difficulties.
Couples need
every advantage to succeed in today's marriages.
What Is Pre-Marriage Preparation and Counseling?
Most
commonly, those couples who do receive some premarital counseling get
it from their religious adviser. This can range from one or two meetings
to an extended series of sessions. Sometimes an assessment inventory
and skills training are included, often they are not. Non-religious
professional counselors also provide premarital counseling services.
Again, the content and amount of service depends on the orientation of
the counselor and what you ask for. Often it doesn't cover all the
preparation that couples need.
Marriage preparation classes or
workshops are an alternative or supplementary approach to educating
engaged couples and newlyweds in the skills, habits, attitudes, and
enrichment techniques that research shows lead to happy, enduring
marriages. Such marriage preparation programs, are education, not
therapy. Like premarital counseling, some of these classes have
religious sponsors while others are secular. You might consider them in
many ways analogous to career counseling. They address the normal issues
and challenges that all couples face in the course of their marriage.
Some people think that marriage preparation is well on the way to
becoming as commonplace as driver's training or test preparation.
Susan Piver's, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do is on the bestseller list. ( I use this book/workbook as a recommended reading source)
A
marriage prep program can give couples the benefit of a supportive
environment and framework in which to ask these questions and some
skills to deal with the answers. (I use FOCCUS, see below)
Whatever
marriage prep couples choose - religion-based or religion-neutral,
counseling or class -- should include activities to give them real
skills, real expectations and real knowledge of self and partner to face
the inevitable challenges of a committed relationship.
What to Look For in Pre-Marriage Programs and Counselors
Here's
a concise list of seven relationship skill and knowledge areas that
research has shown to contribute to the success and endurance of
marriage:
- Compatibility ?
- Expectations?
- Personalities and families-of-origin ?
- Communication ?
- Conflict resolution ?
- Intimacy and sexuality?
- Long-term goals
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Make sure that the pre-marriage counseling or prep you choose covers all
of these. Here are some questions to help you select the pre-marriage
prep that's right for you:
- Does it include an assessment inventory to help you understand your
areas of compatibility and strength, as well as areas you may need to
address?
- Does the program focus specifically on the needs of engaged couples
and newlyweds? Some marriage skills programs mix troubled couples from
later stages of marriage in the same class. This can detract from the
experience for engaged couples and newlyweds.
- Is the class or counseling approach flexible enough to allow for
your relationship and learning style or is it a one-size-fits-all
program? It's best to practice specific communication, conflict
resolution and goal-setting skills and strategies, and then select those
skills and strategies that are most congruent with your relationship
style and best meet your needs.
- Is the content based on marriage research?
- Will the counseling or class help you and your partner agree on
goals and strategies for managing and continuing to work on your most
important unresolved issues?
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The answers to these questions will help you approach selecting your premarital classes and counseling as an educated consumer.
If
a couple's premarital counseling with a religious advisor or lay
professional does not address some important areas, the couple should
think about supplementing with a program that does. Many couples use
marriage prep and counseling in combination, covering the foundation
issues and skills in a class or workshop, then focusing on religious or
other special issues in their counseling.
*adapted from an article by Patty & Greg Kuhlman
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As a certified Pastoral Counselor, I offer both Premarital and Spiritual Counseling
as well as Spiritual Healing.
All sessions run approximately 55 min. I have many different options to choose from:
- Single Session $150
- Three Session Series $450 (if paid in advance)
- Five Session Series $650 (if paid in advance)
*Please note that these prices are based on my officiating your ceremony. There is a $50 upcharge per session if I am not doing so.
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"FOCCUS is an internationally used inventory designed to
provide engaged couples and those working with them a PERSONALIZED
PROFILE of what is needed in their marriage preparation process."
In the FOCCUS Couple Inventory, each member of an engaged couple is asked to answer "Agree," "Disagree" or "Uncertain" to questions such as these:
1. We are in agreement about the husband and wife roles each of us expects of the other in our marriage relationship.
2. There are qualities about my future spouse that I do not respect.
3. We have discussed the ways our families solved problems and how this may affect our problem solving.
4. We disagree with each other over some teachings of the church.
5. My future spouse and I are open to having children.
6. I am concerned that in-laws may interfere in our marriage relationship.
7. My future spouse and I can talk about our sexual fears, hopes and preferences.
8. We are in agreement about how we will make financial decisions between us.
9. I sometimes feel that this may not be the right person for me to marry.
10. My future spouse and I agree that our marriage commitment means we intend to pledge love under all circumstances.
Copyright © FOCCUS, Inc. 1985, 1997, 2000. No reprinting or photocopying without permission. Statements taken from FOCCUS, Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study. FOCCUS, Inc., Omaha, Nebraska.
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Please email me (below) or call me (704-588-4623) to discuss setting up your premarital sessions.
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